This post is also available in: Spanish
This is not a diary entry as it was the one used by Clara, the protagonist of “The House of Spirits” by Isabel Allende, but my blog has some similarities, I’d imagine. This blog presents many of my personal thoughts and experiences, even details about my private life. Today, the rule of limited extension in each post is not going to be fulfilled; I want to feel free to express the thoughts of today.
After reading some of the previous publications, I, myself, can identify the strength and enthusiasm placed into this project. Even though it is the less visited part, each post is also written in English with the purpose of developing English writing skills required for the proficiency test which I wanted to do. Now, I am not sure that having this certificate is one of my dreams despite the fact that studying English has always been an activity I have enjoyed immensely. Something has gone wrong in the last few months.
It is not in my nature to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble, however sometimes it is necessary to stop and think. According to my analysis of the situation, two considerations must be taken in account; the first one is related to the classes while the other is more personal. To be honest, the proposed target of the course was too ambitious, demanding and, perhaps, needed more time to be reached with a guarantee of being successful. I could not catch up with my classmates as the pace of the class was awfully fast. My huge effort to keep up in class only had the effect of demotivating me. I felt demotivated and sadly, nobody helped to change this feeling of apathy.
On a personal level this experience has lead me to discover hidden emotions, one of them being the responsibility I have put on myself to show others my capacity for learning. On top of my own demands was the image of an enthusiastic person built by myself whom I felt enslaved by. Not a suitable mix of emotions which inevitably led me to fall apart albeit with effort, honesty and acceptance. First of all, I have nothing to prove to anybody; and secondly, I am an enthusiastic person but I also know what my limits are.
The result of all these considerations is that I gave up doing the exam I wanted to do, just few weeks before it is takes place. Is it a failure? Moreover, what is a success? Professionally speaking, is success related to recognition of others? Many questions I have today. Thank you for giving me the chance to share all these insights with you.
I think it is only a project in the making, so every week a new post written in English will continue to be posted here.